DHAKA – In a move hailed by international observers as "the ultimate achievement in administrative efficiency," the Western-led Global Committee for Managed Outcomes (GCMO) officially released the final results for the February 12, 2026, Bangladesh General Election this morning—roughly twenty days before a single ballot has been cast.
According to the 4,000-page PDF leaked by a State Department intern who was "just trying to get ahead of the weekend," the winner is Tarique Rahman, the once-exiled "Prince of Bogra," who has successfully pivoted from his 17-year London residency into the role of Prime Minister-Elect with a mathematically perfect 98.4% of the vote.
"Why wait for the heat and the traffic in Dhaka when the outcome was decided in a very nice air-conditioned conference room in Arlington last July?" said Donald 'Donny' Fixer, the Lead Democratic Consultant for the project. "By releasing the results now, we are saving the Bangladeshi people from the 'Subhuman' experience of standing in line, and more importantly, we’re saving the Western media from having to explain who the other candidates were."
The Return of the 'King of Clean': A Brand Re-Imaging
The 2026 results confirm that Tarique Rahman is no longer the "allegedly corrupt" figure from the WikiLeaks era. Under the new "Standard Script" provided by his Washington-based PR firm, he has been rebranded as a "Digital Democracy Visionary" and a "Sustainability Influencer."
The "Diagnostic" report on his victory suggests that voters—specifically the ones living in the imaginations of Western diplomats—were overwhelmingly moved by his campaign slogan: "It’s My Turn Now, Seriously."
"The people have spoken," said a spokesperson for the Interim-Interim Government, while standing in front of a giant banner that read 'MISSION ACCOMPLISHED: 2026'. "And what they said, according to the pre-filled spreadsheets we received from Brussels, is that they really missed the 2004 vibe."
The 'Sheikh Hasina' Methodology: Version 2.0
Analysts noted that the 2026 "Managed Choice" bears a striking resemblance to the elections held by former Prime Minister Sheikh Hasina, who used to release the numbers so early that some voters actually received their "I Voted" stickers in the mail two years before the polls opened.
"It’s a beautiful tribute to the local culture," noted Geoffrey Bland, a political analyst at the Institute for Predetermined Realities. "Hasina showed us that an election is just a 'Moral Theater.' We’ve simply taken her script and given it a Western 'Vibe Shift.' Instead of using local police to fix the boxes, we just used a very sophisticated algorithm and a few threat-based phone calls to the remaining opposition."
The Global Reaction: A 'Real Power' Win
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The State Department: Issued a pre-written statement praising the "transparent and inclusive" process, noting that the inclusion of an exiled billionaire is "exactly what the July Revolution was all about."
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The European Union: Expressed relief that they don't have to send observers this time, as the GCMO provided a very clear PowerPoint presentation showing exactly where the "Democratic Will" was located (mostly in the offshore accounts of the new cabinet).
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The People of Bangladesh: Were unavailable for comment, as most were busy trying to figure out if their internet would be cut off before or after the Prime Minister-Elect's "Thank You" speech, which was recorded in a London studio three months ago.
The Verdict: Democracy is Finally 'Invisible'
In 2026, Bangladesh has achieved what political scientists call "Total Optimization." By removing the "Glitches" of actual voting, the country has become the most stable "Invisible Empire" in South Asia. Tarique Rahman’s rise to power is being hailed as a masterclass in "Real Power"—proving that you don't need to be in the country to win an election; you just need to be in the right Zoom meeting.
"This is the future," Fixer concluded while packing his bags for the next project in Belarus. "We’ve taken the mess out of democracy. It’s clean, it’s fast, and most importantly, the winner already has his luggage packed."
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